So, our title year has drawn to a close.
The emotions I feel about it are complex, but not at all negative.
I look back at the photos of my sash family from that contest weekend, and I am overwhelmed by intense feelings of joy, love, pride, honor, and bittersweet – it moves me to tears every time, if only just to even think about. I am in tears now, as I pour my heart out to you all in a level of vulnerability that I hope I’ve carried across the board during my year. I see the photos of myself alongside Ms. SELF Mia Rose, SELF M/s Master Varii & slave neill, and Mr. SELF Max on the night of the final contest before winning… and we all look so happy, because it was true. None of us *really* knew if we would be winning once we left backstage, but we were still celebrating, and supporting each other all the same. As we near our end-of-reign together, I just wanted everyone to know how grateful I am… to have a sash family that actually feels like FAMILY. We’ve been there for each other since day one, and will continue to. This is only just the beginning of our lives together, and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us.
Thank you, Miss Mia, mi hermana. You have become my family, beyond the sash. You support me unwaveringly. We have been vulnerable to each other emotionally, we’ve made each other cry (in the best way). I was honored to have been by your side during your run for IMsL. I was honored that you asked me to stand by you as your Bootblack, because it wasn’t just to look good at your contest – it was because you really wanted me there. You are, more than anything, such a genuine and passionate human being. I am so proud to call you, Ms. SELF 2022, my sister. You step up and represent, at events you don’t just talk to the Leatherfolk but the hotel staff, the wait staff, the housekeeping, the janitors – in Spanish. You lift others up who don’t always have a voice, including mine. If you, or Master Varii had not sent me aid when you knew I needed it, there are some events that changed my life that I would not have otherwise been able to go to, if it weren’t for you. Thank you.
Master Varii, you have impeccable leathers and a strong, gorgeous, powerful, impenetrable presence. You have felt like my protector and guide, and given your Psychology background, our conversations are certainly not “therapy” lol, but… you have insight, openness, sympathy, new perspectives, and reassurance that I am grateful for.
slave neill, you have such a kind soul. You are a friendly face, your expression is soft. I’ve always thought you are one of the funniest men I know, and you have always supported and cared for me, too. Master Varii & you own your M/s – your power exchange is well-formed, fluid, and palpable. You both had an incredible title year, and carried your titles with so much grace. It is no wonder that you now carry the honor of caring for our Leather Quilt, too.
Max, thank you. You’ve got an “older brother” energy to me, and I suppose now that is true, too. You have stayed in my childhood home, you’ve met my parents. Over our contest weekend, you and I formed a special bond. When we found those brief moments of sharing space privately, I think we both felt through each other that our success was assured.
I have inklings of what the conversation had been like behind closed doors when I ran. And I’ve said it before – that it wasn’t just about who I was (because I think who I was, was already pretty great, hah! Someone who was kind, friendly and passionate) but who I could be. My potential was there. To be the change you wish to see in the world by stepping into a platform & position to be visible and represent what you stand for. To have the network, resources & support to make it happen. All we can do is be genuine, and the rest will fall into place naturally. I really feel that in the end, my year was about authenticity.
To be in that position & platform, you have a form of power, and a voice, and that it does come with a level of responsibility. And even though to be held to such high standards by an entire community, you find a way to lift others up, too. That you stand with people, not above them. And whether they be Bootblacks, or trans folx, or volunteers… you call in the undervalued but vital members of our community and thank them in a way they deserve to be recognized. I think it especially means a lot, to be that example for others not just in what you say but what you do, and that it touches deeply to hear it from someone you admire and care about so greatly. At times we need to hear it the most.
To have the character and belief that it isn’t about “winning” but that it’s about showing up, and that if you can touch and inspire even just one person like you by being up on that stage then you’ll be happy… then I know that someone is a titleholder in the making. Because that’s what we’re here for, isn’t it. We’re here to give back to others like us, and who have been there for us, too. To me the question isn’t “What is Leather?” it is “What is Leather to you?” – Your Leather may not be my Leather, and a lotta the time that’s okay. But we are neither a monolith, nor what a lot of people think we are, anyway. I’ve changed folx’ worldview about Leather by sharing my passion, joy, and positive experiences.
Through being a titleholder, I’ve felt the growing pains involved with newfound visibility and responsibility. But because of it I have grown so much mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I’ve become a better educator, a better player, a better advocate, a better ambassador and representative, and have become all the better of a man for it, too. My cup, and my heart is full. I am satisfied.
“Once ours, always ours,” is what we say around here. Because my journey also is not over. I genuinely wish to stay with SELF for as long as they’ll have me. I continue to carry the torch, I’ve been asked to join SELF staff – which I accepted, I am more than willing to continue to volunteer, or judge one day, emcee, and help future contestants. And it is not out of any feeling of indebtedness or obligation but out of true desire, love, and passion for what we do and what we stand for.
I’ve yet to judge a contest myself (though I’m sure that will change soon enough), I’d like to think anyone who has would be inclined to agree that… the judges should want… to see you ALL do well. You should all have an equal opportunity to do that, an equal opportunity to show who you are, to prove yourself, and to successfully complete your title contest. Everything they have to say should be in the good faith of the contest. And to not let anything they say to you, or about you, be taken to heart. Here I will also thank Chrissie & Melissa, our Tally Goddesses. Thank you for offering your time, energy, focus, effort, and knowledge to make our contest all the more fair, equitable, and unbiased.
People always ask what you’ll do if you win, but not what you’ll do if you lose. What matters is that you were there. You showed up, you represented, you did the thing. Nobody can ever take this weekend, these moments and these memories from you. That’s one for the history books. Even showing up is a feat in itself.
Leather isn’t what you wear, it’s who you are. I had no leather gear when I ran, and any leather I did wear was almost embarrassingly scuffed or dirty. But my argument was that I was so busy taking care of everybody else, that I never had time to take care of myself. I know now that there are many Bootblacks out there who do not care for their own leathers for a similar reason.
I meet people who have disinterest or even an active distaste for the Leather community. My partner had been the same when I met him. They believe (because they see or hear from the outside), that we are all entitled, pretentious, and gate-keepers. That I would never be accepted by TWUE Leathermen for being a young trans man…. But I have never, in any other category of my life, in any place in the “real world,” have felt more accepted, affirmed, safe, welcome, and loved than here with you all.
Community is, oftentimes, Leather to me. And this community really saved my life. They still do, again and again. I sometimes argue that my chosen Leather family is the only thing still holding me together, these days. Running for a title – in my 22 years on this Earth – was also, to me, the most important decision I have ever made in my life.
When I ran, I didn’t know anybody, and nobody knew who I was. I didn’t even really know what a title was when I applied. It was technically my first SELF besides Mayhem during the pandemic. I became a Bootblack during COVID era – I had no choice but to learn that way. I was totally unprepared, only four weeks before the contest… and no one helped me. If anything I was actively discouraged by some, of whom it hurt to hear from the most because of their own position in the community. They didn’t think I was ready, and assumed I had lost before I even stepped foot in the door given all the odds stacked against me. But I worked every day, shining boots from friends and timing my practice to under an hour for my tech. I wrote my speech alone, made my presentation alone, put together auction baskets alone, planned my fantasy alone. With no assistance or advice.
Lady Catherine had personally implored me to run. What kept me going that whole weekend was that SHE believed in me. That she has a nose for title winners. She was – funnily and surprisingly enough – the only person I knew there, and the most important one. She’d kept in touch with me after meeting at SELF Mayhem, because she’d been delighted and intrigued by the way I thought and spoke. She kept tabs on my newfound Bootblacking journey.
But I was still, completely and utterly alone. Lady Catherine, out of fairness for all, cannot interact with any contestant once they submit an application until the contest is over. I had no handler, and if anything I handled my poor partner Elliot that I dragged along that weekend who was my only support, but slept in the hotel room the majority of the weekend, and therefore had not attended any of my categories besides the contest evening itself.
But I rocked the boat, I challenged the narrative. I was problematic and provocative in the best way. I was their “dark horse,” they said, that I would be the most eccentric Bootblack titleholder ever. That I was something they’d never seen before, I looked and identified and thought and spoke and did things they’d never seen before… and they loved it. Now, all these people are my family, my friends, my safe space, and my home. Now everyone knows who I am…. and I them! Personally. I got to speak with my wonderful Head Judge from that weekend, Khalid El Bey after my win, and the feedback I received was that there were, really, NO complaints or critiques to give. That I did wonderfully, and that I was perfect just the way I was. That he was proud of me. I have to thank him for that, for Khalid to have been such a strong presence but also a kind, comforting, and reassuring one. For seeing me, trusting in me, and believing in me. I still talk to, and I am actually now quite close with, several of my judges from then.
Thank you to Leather Kitty, for not taking any offense that I had not been aware of your Chemistry background, hah. Thank you for correcting me when I had been wrong during my tech interview about how some of my products actually work, and for offering to teach me – so that I may grow rather than be limited by what I don’t even know that I don’t know.
Thank you to my Surprise Judge, WaywardSoul. And I do put emphasis on the “surprise” part. You were the only judge that weekend who sat in my stand. Since then you are still the closest to me out of my judge panel that weekend; you are playful and hilarious, thoughtful and insightful, and supportive. Thank you for all the jokes and memes you send me. It shows me that you care, and that you think about me.
Thank you to SwitchyButch for asking the most difficult, but interesting and thought-provoking questions during my interviews. I did not see them as “gotchas,” but questions to see how I reacted and responded when giving a hard answer, to think on my feet and sit with any discomfort I may feel when faced with a form of “controversy.” Because as titleholders, that kind of thing will come up, and you must show that you are prepared for it.
Thank you to Kali ONYX, for also having been so sweet to me. I felt that you and I had clicked well that weekend over mutual ground & interests! We admitted to each other later, that we both had wished we’d kept more in touch over my title year. I was humbled and honored that you asked me to present for Blood, Sweat & Queers, and I am so excited to have that opportunity with you and BSQ soon!
Thank you to AJ ter kuile, for having so much knowledge & passion for Bootblacking, and for being a friendly face… I was happy to see some Florida Bootblack rep, hah! And to Kupcake - you are so sweet, friendly, talented, and beautiful! Your happy, excitable energy truly rubbed off on me, too. More Florida Bootlack rep… and neurodivergency! You make me feel like there is space for me as an Autistic Bootblack.
To our judge J. Tebias Perry, I appreciate your support toward events benefiting the efforts to push Leather culture forward. As the youngest titleholder I know, I am aware that I am a symbol of the future of the Leather community and where we are headed. I, too, believe that our Leather community must keep looking forward, and to have a desire to adapt, improve, and grow.
To my dear friend, Captain Lyte: you are a local whom I’ve since become even closer with, as well. I use “family” to describe anyone I’ve grown to love rather than any strict label, and you… are family to me, too. Thank you for being Judge’s Assistant that weekend. I’m sure the Judges appreciated you just as much, too! You were such a comforting presence even then, and I will always remember after my interview, when you ran out the door with me, leaned your head out, and said, “I just wanted to say, that… was AWESOME. You did so well.” Since then I have stayed in your home, and I am again where you’ve trusted me enough to meet your family and your children. I know, to a degree, that behind those closed doors with the judges that you spoke up for me, because you really saw me. I only wish you the best during your run for SELF Person of Leather, this year. I see you, too, and know you have the heart of a titleholder.
Thank you to my Den Parents: Orange (Jen) and Blue (Cavalier Andy). Orange… You were a tough cookie! But through it all, you made me feel so confident after my interview because you told me I rocked that shit. And after getting flustered enough during an incident over the weekend, the passion in your voice when you told me that I was your dark horse, that you don’t let just anyone touch your leathers but you’d let me do your high shines, and that I shouldn’t let anyone make me feel small for being something new… that meant a lot to me. I was humbled that you asked me to do your makeup for the contest!
Andy – I couldn’t have asked for a greater… great-great-great… multiplied-by-something sash granddaddy! I have been watching your transition and gender journey, and I know exactly how you feel. I am so proud of you, and so happy you are more comfortable with who you are, confident in your own body, and know yourself better now. You were a deeply compassionate and gentle man to me over the weekend. You really are my Knight, too.
To my Bootblack Coordinators and friends Tidbit & Mama Tori… You, Ms Tori, had been one of the few to call me before my run and offer any advice you could give, which I greatly appreciated. Y’all are part of my SELF Bootblack titleholder ancestry, too! Mama, you really protected me that weekend. You told me that if anyone else made me upset again, that they had no place near your stands, or me, because you’re my Mama. You’re a caregiver and guide to all your Bootblacks. Tidbit – you are also hilarious, and I know you vouched for me, knowing I had too many stand hours during my contest to seem fair to my energy and wellbeing. So, thank you BOTH for speaking up for me when I could not.
And another “thank you” to all those who had donated to my auction baskets: OllieFoxx Leather, Dye Addict Rope, P&C Creations Michigan, Beyond Piercing, Bootblack Paradox at BattlebornLeathercare, Lady Eos Products, Master Penguin for The Woodshed, Sir Crow, and Chromaknotz. You jumped at the opportunity to support me at a cost to yourselves – through the donations of your beautiful, handmade business products, and I am eternally indebted to you.
An extra-special “Thank you,” to the whole team at SELF that makes my world go ‘round!
Lady Catherine & Jack, I hope you know how much I love you. I see how much work you both put in, every day, and your support of me and the rest of my sash family has never made me feel alone, or without help. I’m sure my sash siblings feel the same.
Notable thanks to the SELF staff… Randi, you give so much back to your community, and I see you do it with so much passion and love. Thank you always, for your patience with me, your kindness and your understanding. You work so hard every day, too. I see you. To tracey, you do all that money-business that would give me a headache if I had to even look at numbers… so thank you. Thank you to Scarlett for being a total sweetie as well as an irreplaceable facet of the SELF family – GOOD LUCK, at your run for Ms. SELF this year! Thank you to Lady Victoria for doing all the program-things. I like to think you’re called “Fun Programming” because YOU are fun – but the technical definition is fine, too! Thank you to GoddessMW, for helping keep all our social media vibrant and running smoothly. Thank you to our TitleAide, ABizzy, for making sure we and all future contestants are well-prepared to be successful! Thank you to Cynthia for being our Volunteer Chair, because who would we be without our volunteers?
Thank you to Dee, my fellow FetLife SPT coworker since I recently joined SELF’s social media team – you and I have much in common, it seems! Not to mention how patient, understanding, supportive, friendly, and excitable you’ve been with me. I love littles. Thank you also to PantherG0ddess for being a big help as a member of SELF’s SPT, too. Thank you Dawn, for being a part of the group alongside my sash family and being our Coordinator. You keep SELF’s website up and running smoothly! Thank you both Brieana & Bea for your amazing (and speedy!) work to make our team some amazing graphics – not just online, but extending to the event weekend! Thank you to Heather S. for being our Lead Staff Photographer, because you take beautiful photos. Thank you to Miss Bettie, for all the work you’ve done for SELF over the years. You and I always have warm, healing, insightful, and enjoyable conversations. Thank you (x2) Miss Bettie for also being my beloved designated carpooling buddy to Atlanta. Thank you to mycalyne for being the best sash mama ever and an amazing Bootblack. Thank you to Devaena for being a helping-hand to all our volunteers. Thank you to HellyFaye for working hard on our Operations team.
Thank you to Country, who’s had that same pair of boots shined by every winning SouthEast Bootblack titleholder since SELF’s inception. You have amazing stories and a kind soul. I cannot describe to you how it felt, to be entrusted to shine those boots, too. To me, it showed that you knew that I would win that weekend – I felt more assured in it, because of you. Your gut-instinct was correct.
Thank you to Sir Edgar & slave raven, and rachael. You’d been there at our contest as a part of Mia’s handler team, but every one of you has become my family, too. I call Sir Edgar and slave raven my “con parents.” You have housed me, fed me, protected me, supported me, and love & care for me. There are no words for how grateful I am. I love you, too. They both were also among the first folx I ever met in the Leather community. You have always, always been kind to me. rachael, too, is a total sweetheart, and a shoulder I know I could lean on when I need it.
And THANK YOU… to all those I had not named but whom I could go on breathlessly gushing about. To everyone I have met during my Leather journey and across my travels. You all made me realize that Leather to me… can also just be about entering a Leather space and feeling like you’re at home. You helped me understand that I am a Leatherman, through-and-through. This is to all those I’ve conversed with, met, played with. To every volunteer – for SELF and every other event – to all my Bootblacks out there… this is for you. It has always been for you. To all those I have watched present, or have hosted safe spaces, play parties, socials, panels, and discussion groups. To all those I have yet to meet in-the-flesh though we’ve been dying to. To all those future contestants… YOU are my community. And I am honored to be a part of your lives, and to have touched you so, as you have me.
I hope I have served you all well, this year. I’d like to think so. None of you would let me think otherwise – the love, warmth, support, affirmation, and acceptance I have felt from my community has been immense. My people… glorious.
In Love, Longevity & Leather,
Apollo
SouthEast Bootblack 2022
Ms. Mia Rose - 2022 Ms. SouthEast LeatherFest
Max - 2022 Mr. SouthEast LeatherFest
Master Varii & slave_neill - 2022 SouthEast Master and slave
Apollo - 2022 SouthEast Bootblack